Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.
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Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Dyslexics are teople poo!
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.