Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.
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A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.