Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

She said “stay up, imma call you”.

i’ve been awake for 4 days

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?

Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”

Person: *laughing*