Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
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*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Wake me when AI does housework
due date
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb