Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
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whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Spa day..😅
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing