Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
