Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
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Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
If you’re looking for another bad decision, I’m here.
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?