Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.

I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…