Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
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I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?