Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
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DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
New Tinder profile.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Guys, I found it.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Math at Halloween.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.