Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
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Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.