Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
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In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
My dress code is business-casualty.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”