Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
You Might Also Like
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before