Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
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King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
A leaf blower, but for people.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.