Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
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UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Me checking my bank balance online.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
c’mon!
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti