Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
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A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
vegan witches, happy halloween!
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker