Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
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If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
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If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.