Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
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“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears