Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive