Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
every. time.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
hand it over!
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?