Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
how it started vs how it ended
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything