Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.