Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?