Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?