Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Autocarrot sucks!
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all