Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
My brain is a bad influence on me
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock