Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
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God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
How your email finds me
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.