Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.