Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
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I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
When libraries troll their patrons.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Huge, if true.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera