Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
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the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Mornin
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!