Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
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I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”