Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
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Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.