Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!

My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.