*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
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who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Noah was an idiot.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first