*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
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my brain: corn cob
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.