Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

Child: Turkey pancakes?!

Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.

Wife: I told you the bird was too big

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

may you live out your days in such a way that they can’t identify the body.

-old irish blessing

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!