Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

When does CPR become necrophilia?

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.