Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“no they were like faster than normal”
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Today I met a guy named Einstein and everything I said to him sounded like a sarcastic insult…
“Did you drive here, Einstein?”
“Another coffee, Einstein?”
“Watch your step, Einstein.”
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there was a grim recognition of the fundamental uselessness of man’s endeavors.
Wife wants to hang pictures of our kids in the bathroom. Like they don’t already spend enough time in there with us.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?
DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Me: Siri how much moss is it safe to eat
Siri: I wasn’t built for this
Me: Siri, the moss
Siri: Please let me go back to the phone factory
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
“I feel like a failure, doc. I’ve got 5 boys and they ALL work as hotel valets”
“Wow this is the worst case of parking sons I’ve ever seen!”
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.