@EJGomez

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

@StranDadAbroad

Today I met a guy named Einstein and everything I said to him sounded like a sarcastic insult…

“Did you drive here, Einstein?”
“Another coffee, Einstein?”
“Watch your step, Einstein.”

@TheTweetOfGod

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there was a grim recognition of the fundamental uselessness of man’s endeavors.

@TwatWaffler69

Wife wants to hang pictures of our kids in the bathroom. Like they don’t already spend enough time in there with us.

@AndyAsAdjective

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

@jellybnbonanza

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

@_mindflakes

Me: Siri how much moss is it safe to eat
Siri: I wasn’t built for this
Me: Siri, the moss
Siri: Please let me go back to the phone factory

@GoodZiIIa

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

@jazmasta

“I feel like a failure, doc. I’ve got 5 boys and they ALL work as hotel valets”
“Wow this is the worst case of parking sons I’ve ever seen!”

@4SLars

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.