Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

Cartman: Respect my
a a

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

Cat.

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?

Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.