“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
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wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.