“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
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judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.
Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH