Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*phone rings*

Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”

Wife: “….”

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL

Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

That’s amazing.

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!

– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”

I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.

It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.