Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.