Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

American Horror Story: Public Restroom

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.