Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
You Might Also Like
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???