Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
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I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
*aggressively waits in line*
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
😂😂😂😂😂😂
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.