Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

me: this meeting couldve been an email

me when I get an email: I’m not reading that

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.