Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

when u come home smelling like another dog

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

ㅤ

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is