*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
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I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.