*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
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A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Can. I. Help. You.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
My dog ate my work from home.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”