*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
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Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Yes my dude
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes