*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
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I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.