*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
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(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Split the bill
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working