Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

Get in loser we’re going crying

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

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WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.