Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

God: you’re a Squid.

Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.

God: what’s a Kraken?

Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.

God: wa-was that an ocean pun?

Squid: maybe, did you like it : )

God:

Squid:

God: you krilled it : )

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

Become a minion. Get that bread.

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.