Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*

Wife – “….””

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.