suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
😼🖥️
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
