suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Spoiler Alert: I was late
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
