suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
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ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water
me looking at the christmas cookie tray:
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Me when I’m ovulating
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.