suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

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Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls


I keep the clumps of hair from my shower drain as pets.

Don’t make it weird.


Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.


I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.


i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.


don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo


My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.


me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?


asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss