suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
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My five year plan is a meteorite
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
so weird how every mom was born today
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Many hands make light work
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.