@spookyDichotomy

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

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@Smooheed

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

@hunbothered

I keep the clumps of hair from my shower drain as pets.

Don’t make it weird.

@samalmightysam

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

@shanethevein

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

@fuckmarrywill

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

@thombodytolove

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

@3sunzzz

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

@iwearaonesie

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

@fro_vo

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss