suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
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Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”