suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
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Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.