Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

Suuuuure

Dumple

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

ME: What are you in for?

CELLMATE: Money laundering.

ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.

These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.

BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it