Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
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Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”