Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
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11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
The Joker was right
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.