Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.

Safest bet I ever made.

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

😆

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever