@Izianikapani

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

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@jessienope

religious? why yes i’m very religious, i’m always reading [glances at bible] the beeblay

@KayRants

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

@Crunk_Jews

Dear Autocorrect,

She’s an amazing woman not an amazon woman.

Thanks.

And now I’m never getting laid.

@SharkJelly

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

@IamEveryDayPpl

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

@ClichedOut

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

@EternalDago

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

@AbbieEvansXO

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

@MatCro

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

@ficklenuts

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.