Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
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“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
The struggle is real
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.