Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
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Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some