Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
You Might Also Like
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
