Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
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I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
So we got a goldfish…
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!