Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
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Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
how to have fun when you’re poor
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.