Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.