Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?

Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.

*7yo walks off*

Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!

When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

please stand back I’m about to make this worse

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.