Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.

My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”

My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?