Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”

Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

my first day as a raccoon

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories

Dieting Parents:

App Designer: It’s great, right…

Dieting Parents:…

App Designer:

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!