Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

Received some very disappointing news today

Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.