Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

Being rude underwater is snarkeling

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

stand with me against insufficient seating

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.

OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

APOLOGISE NOW!!!

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)