Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
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Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge