Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
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If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?